Hey Everyone, I am back! So, are you ready for today’s conversation? Now, I’m sure you would all agree that we Indians take absolute pride in, EATING and I can very shamelessly say that I go to buffets to avoid the embarrassment of my triple X servings, bwahhh!!
I remember how my Grandma, when I was a teeny, would stuff my mouth with porridge and tell me, ‘WE D’Souza’s MUST look RICH’, you know KHAATE PEETE ghar ke types. Yaaasss! So, technically she meant, ‘the moment I see those collarbones, mind you Tanu, you are going to be disowned from the FAMILY’. Like ya, literally. I’m sure, she’s furiously rolling in her grave these days after seeing my fat to lesser fat avatar. Burgh Sorry, Nana!
So, today I am going to speak to all you young babes and dudes, mid-aged youth and oldie-goldies about Dining Etiquette.
Okay, don’t give me that cold look, I know what is going on in your mind, ‘T, khaane mein, boss, apneko sharmana nahi chahiye, kya?’. The biggest misconception about ‘Dining Etiquette’ that it restricts the consumption of food during events, really? Hell nah! Let’s crack a few myths with these FIVE BASIC RULES of DINING. And, I bet that’ll make your host(s) and fellow guests fall head over heels for you.
I have seen several cases where the host gets side-lined and the guests make their way to all the stalls or serving areas all by themselves. Now, that’s okay if you are at your Uncle’s or Aunt’s but when you are at a social, formal or professional gathering that attitude definitely tarnishes your image. Stay calm, you can eat as much as you want but allow the host to be the master of the ceremony and run you through the mouth-watering buffet he, she, or they have chosen.
Duh-uh! Okay, when we were kids napkins were used to clean our nosy but NOW since we have grown up it has got to stay on our laps. So, why are they to be placed on our thighs? Here’s something I want you to picture… Just imagine, the red, spicy, hot sauce you’ve been wanting to relish at its first sight and you dip your food in it and are about to take a mouthful and SPLASHHHHH… And… There goes the little black skirt or the spotless white shirt… I’d rest my case…
There’s certainly no harm in talking to people around you while you are at the dining table. However, that does not give you the leverage to stuff your mouth with bacon or veggies and speak. NOW, that is what I call GROSS. Just as much as your lips spread apart to take a morsel it must come back to its original self. An essential tip is if you are asked a question while you are eating you could politely use signs to excuse yourself for the moment and THAT is NOT offensive. Instead it would be super bad if portions of your food fell out of your mouth or, even worse, in someone else’s plate. Errgghh!
Oh, and I’ve got to update my Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat stories, PUHLEEZZEE! Okay, accepted but not at a professional or formal dining… You certainly don’t want to look silly clicking 100 pictures of your favourite dish just to end up eating cold food. You must know this when you keep checking your phone in every 30 seconds (at the dining) it shows your lack of interest in the gathering and reveals the fact that you are more concerned about your virtual connections over real conversations or bonding. So, with that said, chuck the distraction and make real relationships.
‘Desi Dakaar’ is the proof that the food was awesome and you are FINALLY done.
Like, ewww! (I hate myself for acting like a typical teeny girl at times but…) You can’t like… Literally, PLEASEEEE, NO!! I understand burping and farting are ‘nature’s calls’ and are unstoppable but if you really want to be in someone’s good views you certainly don’t want to BOL and FOL (BOP? Duh, burp out loud and fart out loud). In some unavoidable circumstances you could use phrases such as ‘Excuse me’ or ‘I am sorry’ and get it off but please do not act unapologetic for an act that is supposed to be privy.
Another important thing before I end this section, DO NOT open your mouth and try to pull out those extras from your teeth especially with your fingers, angreez have invented a wonderful weapon ‘toothpick’ to fight those.
Why did I write all of this? Well, if you do any one of these I wanted you to imagine how exactly it feels to the opposite person when you do it… Or if you can relate to these situations and know people who do this, PLEASE, PLEASE and PUHHLEASE share this article with them. They ought to look at themselves through our lenses. Happy Weekendo Buds! See you soon!
by Tanya D’souza